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【TOP 50】Jon Stewart Quotes - WhatsApp Status | Page-1

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I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once. - Jon Stewart Quotes

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking...humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing withÃ¢â¬Â¦ at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even. - Jon Stewart Quotes

But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking...humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing withÃ¢â¬Â¦ at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.' - Jon Stewart Quotes

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'

Bombs

I have some sad news to report, Bjork could not be here tonight -- she was trying on her Oscar dress, and Dick Cheney shot her. - Jon Stewart Quotes

I have some sad news to report, Bjork could not be here tonight -- she was trying on her Oscar dress, and Dick Cheney shot her.

News

We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat. - Jon Stewart Quotes

We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going,

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"

Army

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader. - Jon Stewart Quotes

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

American Entertainer Quotes

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. - Jon Stewart Quotes

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

American Entertainer Quotes Canada

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it! - Jon Stewart Quotes

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

American Entertainer Quotes Comedy

Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting. - Jon Stewart Quotes

Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.

"Shnicks," we call it shnicks -- shnicks and giggles.

Yes! Finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the American public by such companies as Enron, Global Crossing, Tyco and Adelphia, we finally got the ringleader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle. - Jon Stewart Quotes

Yes! Finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the American public by such companies as Enron, Global Crossing, Tyco and Adelphia, we finally got the ringleader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.

Enron

When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition. - Jon Stewart Quotes

When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition.

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics. - Jon Stewart Quotes

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.

Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just -- the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.' - Jon Stewart Quotes

Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just -- the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'

No. I'm not going to be your monkey. - Jon Stewart Quotes

No. I'm not going to be your monkey.

Germany didn't want to got to war (in Iraq). I don't know how to say it any more simply than that. - Jon Stewart Quotes

Germany didn't want to got to war (in Iraq). I don't know how to say it any more simply than that.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out. - Jon Stewart Quotes

If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out.

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records? - Jon Stewart Quotes

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him. - Jon Stewart Quotes

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

American Entertainer Quotes Golf

Hollander said. ''He suggested maybe making four or five alternatives. - Jon Stewart Quotes

Hollander said. ''He suggested maybe making four or five alternatives.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough. - Jon Stewart Quotes

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. One difference, and I'll say this, the only difference is this: That tens of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica Lewinsky's vagina. That is the only difference. - Jon Stewart Quotes

Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. One difference, and I'll say this, the only difference is this: That tens of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica Lewinsky's vagina. That is the only difference.

Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now. - Jon Stewart Quotes

Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now.

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1 - Jon Stewart Quotes

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. - Jon Stewart Quotes

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

American Entertainer Quotes Thanksgiving

GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who Ã¢â¬â as we all know Ã¢â¬â before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis. - Jon Stewart Quotes

GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who Ã¢â¬â as we all know Ã¢â¬â before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.

Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the '90s as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association, - Jon Stewart Quotes

Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the '90s as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association,

A boy child, I feel like I'll know how to deal with it if he has a problem. I'll just be able to say to him, 'Well, repress it,' and he will hopefully swallow that, as I have. And then you figure you have 30 years before it comes out over dinner where somebody spills the gravy and then you're like, 'I hate you!' - Jon Stewart Quotes

A boy child, I feel like I'll know how to deal with it if he has a problem. I'll just be able to say to him, 'Well, repress it,' and he will hopefully swallow that, as I have. And then you figure you have 30 years before it comes out over dinner where somebody spills the gravy and then you're like, 'I hate you!'

Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird. - Jon Stewart Quotes

Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.

Honor

I feel your scorn and I accept it. - Jon Stewart Quotes

I feel your scorn and I accept it.

I can't emphasize this enough. - Jon Stewart Quotes

I can't emphasize this enough.

Originally we were going to title it

Originally we were going to title it "The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off," but it was too long.

The field of play has become seriously unleveled as a result of the current rules. Our member schools have complained and asked that we find a way of fixing this problem. - Jon Stewart Quotes

The field of play has become seriously unleveled as a result of the current rules. Our member schools have complained and asked that we find a way of fixing this problem.

We had a real good December. Consumers didn't appear to be holding back at the pump. - Jon Stewart Quotes

We had a real good December. Consumers didn't appear to be holding back at the pump.

As a performer, I'm truly honored to be hosting the show. Although, as an avid watcher of the Oscars, I can't help but be a little disappointed with the choice. It appears to be another sad attempt to smoke out Billy Crystal. - Jon Stewart Quotes

As a performer, I'm truly honored to be hosting the show. Although, as an avid watcher of the Oscars, I can't help but be a little disappointed with the choice. It appears to be another sad attempt to smoke out Billy Crystal.

You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show. - Jon Stewart Quotes

You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show.

Wow. I can't wait till later when we see Oscar's salute to montages. - Jon Stewart Quotes

Wow. I can't wait till later when we see Oscar's salute to montages.

[Tucker, not enjoying the lecture, suggested,] You need to get a job at a journalism school, I think. ... You need to go to one. - Jon Stewart Quotes

[Tucker, not enjoying the lecture, suggested,] You need to get a job at a journalism school, I think. ... You need to go to one.

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social changeÃ¢â¬Â¦ I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that. - Jon Stewart Quotes

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social changeÃ¢â¬Â¦ I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

Jokes

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid. - Jon Stewart Quotes

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

American Entertainer Quotes

I think there is nothing remotely gay about classic Hollywood westerns. - Jon Stewart Quotes

I think there is nothing remotely gay about classic Hollywood westerns.

Some are from the world of the arts, some from the fields of business, architecture, wine-making and education. What they have in common is that they are all known nationally -- and many internationally -- for their wide-ranging achievements. - Jon Stewart Quotes

Some are from the world of the arts, some from the fields of business, architecture, wine-making and education. What they have in common is that they are all known nationally -- and many internationally -- for their wide-ranging achievements.

I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that's really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go,

I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that's really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, "Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!" And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.

Man

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea. - Jon Stewart Quotes

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

American Entertainer Quotes

Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...you've all been in charge pretty much since...uh...what was that guys name...Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success. - Jon Stewart Quotes

Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...you've all been in charge pretty much since...uh...what was that guys name...Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction. - Jon Stewart Quotes

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction.

If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that. - Jon Stewart Quotes

If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

American Entertainer Quotes

For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don'tÃ¢â¬Â¦ you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there. - Jon Stewart Quotes

For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don'tÃ¢â¬Â¦ you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there.

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